turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
