Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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