I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
