He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
