I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
the raccoons are back...
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