Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
