My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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