My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
