Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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