after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
