party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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