our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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