I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Come see our sink grown plant.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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