I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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