"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
