i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
