Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
