dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
