Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
