If i come over, it means nothing
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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