What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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