to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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