How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
