I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
