...so i touched it.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
