If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
