I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
