You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
