Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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