i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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