why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
