i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I have fence marks all over my body
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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