I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
i think my cat just said my name.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
