Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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