Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
