when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
