Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
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then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
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He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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