I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
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whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
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I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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