There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
