why didn't you poke me back
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
