I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
