i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
