she woke up with a sticky ear
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
