i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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