I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
