There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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