he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
