Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
