I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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