: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
