Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
