dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
