He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
