I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize