my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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