its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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