I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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