1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
